#4

I'd like to introduce you to my new store manager...

Kasey- The Lazy Slob
Kasey seems to have the 'Midas touch,' however instead of turning everything into gold, she turns everything into shit. In fact, her greatest talent is making a mess out of virtually nothing. In two weeks, she has managed to transform a perfect store into complete garbage. I have never met anyone with her level of tolerance for filth. She doesn't see any importance in vacuuming, mopping, dusting, sweeping, or straightening. She has crammed our back room, break table, bathroom, and cash register with all kinds of filthy clutter. Books, food, drinks, advertisements, paper towels, damaged merchandise...everything you can imagine accumulates on our cash register day after day. It's actually become my full time job to clean up after her. But what about her management skills? Well, I wouldn't know anything about that since she has said approximately 15 words to me in two weeks.

Wonderful.

This is what I did at work today...

Retail stores have been struggling lately with soft sales. So, I decided to take it upon myself to start marketing to the White Trash demographic to improve business. A thong sticking out of a mannequin's pants is always a good eye-catching tool.


I enjoy doing as much nonsense as possible.

Big changes

Big changes are occurring in my store lately. Lindsey is officially gone and probably wreaking havoc on another unsuspecting retail store. Vicky, the gorilla, has been shipped off to another store location to mope around and spread depression to everyone she comes into contact with. And Lisa (my Quiet Accomplice) and I have been left to fend for ourselves! We have a new store manager, but I haven't gotten to know her yet so I will not be writing about her right now.

Today I would like to remind everyone that Black Friday (or Green Friday, as we call it in retail) is exactly one week from today. What does that mean? It means the freaks and weirdos are preparing to come in full force and I can guarantee lots of customer stories will be coming in the next few weeks.

However, this afternoon I would just like to share a story that happened to me last night while working with Mary Sue. For those of you who have forgotten, Mary Sue is my new employee that asks the most ridiculous questions I have ever heard. She is the perfect stereotype of an idiot and getting dumber everyday. Last night I was doing a self-audit on the store and part of the audit is quizzing the sales associates on certain information. I turned to Mary Sue and asked "Mary Sue, what was our shrink result from last quarter?"
She looked at me like I had just asked her the meaning of life and replied, "I don't know what that is."
So I said, "Ok, how about our inventory goal for this quarter?" Her eyes glazed over with confusion. I then said, "Mary Sue, this information is on a big glittery poster (literally) in the back room that you walk past every single day to go to the bathroom. How could you not know this?? Go look at the poster and then come back out and tell me our result and goal." She moped to the back room and then came shuffling back out ten seconds later. I said, "Ok, so what's our inventory goal?"
Her eyes opened wide with shock and responded, "Oh, I don't know."
I calmly asked, "Didn't you just go look at the poster???"
She responded with, "Yes, but I don't remember it."

For the record, it took her three trips to the back room to get the information right. Unbelievable.

Vicky Facts

Now that Lindsey is gone for good, I'd like to take some time to talk about Vicky, The Mysterious Foreigner. Although I have been working with Vicky for one year, I know absolutely nothing about her. These are the things that I know:

1.) The way Vicky walks can be compared to the walk of a gorilla. Literally. Picture how a gorilla walks: hunched over, arms dragging on the ground, feet shuffling along the floor. Yup, that's Vicky. She doesn't pick up her pace for anyone. I actually have her walk down to a science. Yesterday I was putting out new shoes and heard the steady plodding shuffle shuffle of her feet coming up behind me. I turned around and was surprised to find that it was actually Vicky's sister with her newborn chimp (*cough* I mean baby, haha). Her entire family walks like gorillas to the same distinct beat...is that normal?

2.) Vicky has no life. It's obvious. She has no friends, no boyfriend, and still lives with her parents. However, everyday she comes shuffling into work acting like she was doing tequila shots the night before until 8AM. The first word out of her mouth, no matter what, is always "tired." She doesn't ask how we're doing or who's working, she just complains about how tired she is. Sometimes she even answers questions with the word "tired." Yesterday I asked her, "Did you do the self-audit yet?" She answered, "tired....(ridiculously long pause).....no, not yet." How could she be tired every single day???

3.) She's been living in America for twenty years and still can't speak or understand English.

After one year of working with Vicky, these are the only facts that I know about her. I'll continue adding to the list if I happen to come across anything else.

I love my job.

The first of many...

Today I was lucky enough to meet our first management candidate. I chatted with her as she filled out her application and silently thought that she might be normal. After she left I glanced at her resume and noticed this wonderful statement listed under her current job duties:
"Maintain a great floor presents threw out the day."

The scary thing is that she's 23 years old with a college degree! What is happening to America??

Big Announcement

It was announced today that Lindsey, The Genuine Retard, will be leaving the company next week. Although it pains me to think such a great writing subject will no longer be working with me, I'm anticipating all of the new manager prospects and how much more retarded they might be!

For the record, this will be our fourth manager since February.

I love my job.

The spelling bee champ strikes again...

Ok, here we go again. The Genuine Retard is back to writing emails. This is an email from today written to our district manager. Capitalization, spelling, and punctuation are all exactly how she wrote it.

hey
we recieved a box of (our sister store's) shimpment by mistake amoung our 53 boxs yeasterday, we didn't realize until (sales associate) was processing shimpment and went OOPS we don't sell coats for $129 I tried to call the store and speak with their manager but the phone keeps just ringing, I tried 3 times, not sure it the number changed or what not, any ideal what I should do w the shimpment besides re tape it , do I give it back to the shimpment dudes or just arange for someone to get it from their store? thanks


She might be getting more retarded with each passing day. On the bright side, she learned how to spell "manager"! We're dedicated to making progress everyday...


I love my job.

How impressive

This is a real e-mail written by Lindsey, The Genuine Retard, to our district manager. The misspellings, punctuation, and capitalization errors are all exactly how she wrote it. Please remember that Lindsey frequently spells her own name wrong. Let's see how many mistakes you can find...

hey (District Manager) today tow women came into the store from chase bank saying that they teamed up w (our company) to offer employee's special bennifits with Chase bank, they are comming back on sat to see if anyone wants to take advantidge of them. I haven't herd anything about this and want to know if its legit, because it seems that it wouldn't be feasible for busness. If its is something that (our company) has approved I will allow them to speak to the staff as long as it doesn't get in the way of busness, but if they are BS-ing me and (our company) has not set anything up with Chase Bank I'll politly ask them to leave. Get back to any of the mangers here thanks


I'd like to point out that the word "feasible" is actually spelled correctly. This is because she asked ME to spell it for her.

Scary, right?

My new employee

I have a new employee named Mary Sue and she asks, perhaps, the most ludicrous questions that I have ever heard. Here are some of my favorites:

While reading these you have to imagine Mary Sue's voice as a whispered high pitched whine.

Mary Sue: Where was I supposed to park?
Me: We're technically supposed to park near Sears.
Mary Sue: Am I going to get in trouble if I didn't park there?
Me: No.
Mary Sue: What if security calls the cops on me?


*When asked to shut the gate at closing time*
Mary Sue: How do I do that?
Me: (After showing her) You have to make sure you lock it while we're still in here.
Mary Sue: (With a look of complete terror on her face) If it's locked, how do we get out?


*When training her to sell one-on-one*
Me: You're going to have to raise the volume of your voice or customers will never hear you.
Mary Sue: Really?
Me: I can barely hear you and I'm standing right next to you.
Mary Sue: Well, what if I have a sore throat?
Me: Well, do you have a sore throat?
Mary Sue: No. But what would happen if I did?


I love my job.

Lost in translation

I have a perfect example of a typical "Vicky (The Mysterious Foreigner) conversation" from today. Lately, I have been having this sneezing problem at work due to the extreme amount of dust in the store. After sneezing twice in a row I turned to Vicky and said, "The only place I sneeze is here. I think it's hilarious!" Her response, "Maybe." Maybe what?? Maybe it's hilarious? No, I'm telling you, it's hilarious.

Ohhh customers....

After a very long, busy Saturday, I'd like to take some time to rant about customers. Of course we need customers to stay in business, but sometimes I wish we could just have one day when we didn't have to deal with customers' nonsense. Here are some of the things that drive me insane.

1. When a customer asks me to get something down off the wall for them, they can never exactly describe what they want. They'll point to a wall half way across the store and then look at me like I know exactly which shirt and the size that they need. When I ask which one, they'll say "The red one," even though there are 10 different red shirts on the wall. Ohhh ok, being psychic is part of my job description.

2. I also love when a customer signs their name for a credit card on our little credit card screen and then forgets to press "Ok." When I remind them, they push "Ok" once like a regular human being, and then when it doesn't go through immediately they start jabbing at it with the pen harder and harder like that's going to make the machine work any faster.

3. Readers before I go any further, let me just clarify something. If you need a fitting room unlocked when you are shopping, please just politely ask a sales associate. DO NOT just stand in front of the fitting room with a blank stare on your face like you have no idea where you are. It's even worse when I go back to check on the fitting rooms and there's a line of 8 people waiting while all of the rooms are unoccupied. What the hell were you all doing? Did you think the doors were just going to unlock themselves if you stared at them long enough? Use some common sense....please.

4. My favorite customer questions are when they start asking for a specific item that they saw in the store 7 months ago. Their description usually goes something like this, "Um, I saw a shirt in here around Christmas time, I think it was red or it might have been yellow, and um, it had long sleeves, but it could have been a tank top, and it was kind of long, but not really that long, and it was a weird material, and um, it was red, do you still have that?" No.

5. I also love when customers think everything is on sale. Just because we have a clearance section, that doesn't mean everything remotely near the clearance section is also on clearance. I had a customer ask me today if an entire wall was on sale. Um, do you see some kind of sale sign on it that's invisible to me? Why would we have random sale items scattered throughout the store? Just to screw with people? Hmmm, maybe we should start doing that. ;)

Another day at the circus tomorrow.....

I love my job.

Exhibit A

Now that I have introduced the staff to you, I would like to provide some hard evidence to prove exactly what I am dealing with. Although my stories may seem exaggerated, I can guarantee that 100% of it is true. After two years of working for this company, I have started collecting little "artifacts" that will help me remember the nonsense I put up with day after day. These pictures are some of my most recent artifacts. Our new manager, Lindsey (The Genuine Retard), made this poster for the backroom describing our new jeans.
At first glance this poster may seem perfectly normal, but let's take a closer look.


Our new jeans are called Celeb. I have yet to figure out what a "cleb" is, but I'm pretty sure we don't sell it.

Scary, right?


I love my job.

The Current Management Team

Vicky- The Mysterious Foreigner
Vicky is a decent manager, even though she has a hard time speaking and understanding English. She covers it up well by answering most questions with "Maybe." Newcomers might not catch on, however after a year of working with her I'm convinced that she only understands about one third of what I say. When talking to her, you get the feeling that you might be talking to a brick wall. Such as, "Vicky, did you see our goals for August? They seem like a real stretch. We're going to have to start pushing the employees to sell on the floor." Vicky's response, "Maybe."

Lisa- The Quiet Accomplice
Lisa and I are good friends with the same sense of humor. We like finding faults with our company and treating everyday at work like it's a trip to the circus. She might not be as vocal about it, but trust me we're on the same wavelength.

And then there's me, The Innocent Bystander, I know our company like the back of my hand and nothing surprises me anymore. I can bullshit with the best of them and I enjoy spending my days doing as much nonsense as possible.

The Store Managers

My store has had three different store managers in the past six months. I'd like to introduce them to you...

1.) Samantha- The Loveable Lunatic
Samantha was more than just a little bit crazy. Her moods were extreme. And when I say extreme I mean that she could go from being your best friend to a blood-sucking monster in two seconds flat. She thought it was perfectly normal to stay all night at work doing manual labor and couldn't understand why other employees refused to stay past midnight. Her cell phone was always dead, she had fungus on her stomach, never wore a bra, and was always late by at least an hour. She was also known to do breathing exercises in the back room when things got too stressful for her. She was the best manager we ever had.

2) Jamie- The Raving Bitch
Jamie was our second manager and the biggest bitch on the planet. She wasn't running a clothing store, she was running a Nazi concentration camp. She had the unique ability to be able to find something wrong with every single employee. She hated our merchandise and complained to anyone who would listen about how "fat" she looked. Jamie yelled no matter how close you were to her. I guess no one ever taught her the difference between "inside" and "outside" voices.

3) Lindsey- The Genuine Retard
Lindsey is our new manager who I'm 99% sure is a retard. She's great at having anxiety attacks for no particular reason, rearranging the back room, and not listening to a word anyone says. However, she still has problems spelling her own name, counting money, and reading directions. I haven't quite been able to pinpoint the exact problem with Lindsey, but my guess is that she could be a compulsive liar, psychotic, or just a moron.

I'm going to hell for this.

Welcome.

Welcome to my blog. The idea of a blog about my job has been perculating in my head for a long time. I've been working in a clothing store for two years as a manager and although retail, in general, sucks, I have found a way to keep myself occupied at work. Most people try to rush through their workday, performing mind-numbing tasks with brain dead co-workers and then complain about it to friends. I, however, like to treat every minute that I am at work as a learning experience on people's stupidity.

I like to think that I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I'll admit that 50% of the time, I really do love it. For the other 50% of the time, I love to hate it.

*All names have been changed.*